Is there anything more frightening than the moment we realize we have disrespected our child? How do we take that back? How do we stop the hurt we just inflicted? How do we erase that look of disappointment staring back at us from our child's eyes?
Simply we can't, it's out there, our words our look of disdain have been fired at our child's heart and soul.
What we can do is swallow our pride and apologize immediately. Don't make excuses just say I'm sorry. You can't say you didn't mean it, that won't make sense. You can say it wasn't true because I'm sure it wasn't. We don't actually feel negativity towards our children but we often do feel it towards ourselves and project it onto them.
When we feel a lack in ourselves we usually turn it outwards and hurt the nearest person to us, all in an attempt to alleviate the pain we are inflicting on ourselves because we feel bad inside. What causes such pain inside of us? Past experience. Something will trigger that past experience of rejection or admonition inside of our heads and we react. The hardest thing to do is to create a space between the feeling and the outward reaction. Hard but not impossible.
There isn't anyone who hasn't struggled with this, so go easy on yourself, but don't use it as an excuse to continue doing it.
How do we create space between our emotions and reactions? Again no easy answer, but a good place to begin is to know that this is what you're doing. Once you've acknowledged this you're on the path to changing it. That path consists of a series of methods leading to fully knowing yourself. Once we know ourselves we will change our hair trigger behaviors.
The path to knowing ourselves begins with honesty towards ourselves. If you can't be honest with yourself who can you be honest with? Invest the time in writing down all the behaviors you want to change in yourself. Write down instances when you've reacted out of fear and hurt a loved one. Examine the reasons why you reacted, what triggered that response. Start your question with "What just scared me?" It's a powerful question that, when answered, accelerates healing.
Meditation is a wonderfully peaceful state to ask these questions of yourself. The meditative state brings a feeling of safety and security and allows the heart to open to what makes you fearful without experiencing fear in that moment but offers a space of understanding and clarity.
Another way to catapult healing is by talking to those you have hurt in the past. Especially partners, parents, siblings and older children. By older children I mean that a child who has been raised in such a way that their higher self is still operating at optimal levels. A child who can respond with well thought through responses to your apologies for hurting them. I hesitate to put an age on this as each child is different. I leave it up to you to decide if your child is ready to hear what you have to say outside of a simple apology. What I will say, as I state in my book, no child should be burdened with being your therapist. This means that you should not be telling your child about your faults in detail or your past traumas that may cause them stress or worry about their own lives. You aren't looking for your child's sympathy, you are teaching them that it's good to apologize and make right any wrong you have done to another and to let them know that you are in tune with yourself and your faults, not as a bad person but as someone who recognizes their own wrongdoings and corrects them.
When we know ourselves and heal our fears we create an environment of healing for others. We create a space where people feel safe to express themselves with honesty. Wouldn't it be wonderful if teenagers could say to their parents, 'that made me afraid and I wanted to scream and rage' instead of them going ahead and screaming and raging without knowing why.
I wish you healing and happiness.
